He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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