My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Randomize
