I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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