Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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