True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
