Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
Randomize
