He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
so would me posting the photos of the cock and coin jar incident be completely out of the question?
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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