Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
I am naked and annoyed.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
