I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
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