my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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