the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
I understand Curling. That high.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
Randomize
