i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
