I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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