Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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