you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
You are a genius and a whore.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
