I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Randomize
