Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.�
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
Randomize
