I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
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