home. puking in laundry basket.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
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