the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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