my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
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