it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
