Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
Randomize
