Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
I puked a lego.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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