I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
