Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
