My girlfriend figured out who you are.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize
