I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
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