i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
