if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
I molested 6 butterflies tonight
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
