I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Randomize
