watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
