Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
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