I was born with a shot glass in my hand
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
