pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
