I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
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