i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
