Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize
