sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
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