I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
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