So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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