Your dad touched me again.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
