She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
I woke up under a house in Key West
Randomize
