just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
Randomize
