Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
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