I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
Randomize
