I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
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