hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
Randomize
