My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
