i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
